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The Dis-Adventures of John

Updated: Sep 20, 2022

Well, here we are.

Getting ready for a night out.

I am cologned and dressed to go - looking quite handsome I must add - accompanied only with my mobile phone and wallet. Then it begins...!

Darling, I am all ready,

are you ready,

how long will you be,

the taxi will be arriving shortly..?

John, how do I look...?

Does this overcoat make me look big...?

Shall I take the clutch bag or the handbag...?

Should I take the lipstick or just the lip gloss..?

Darling, you look great, but the overcoat seems a little excessive and more importantly it hides your great figure – wear a smaller coat or a shawl, it will thin you out... You will not be cold, from the house, straight into the heated taxi and then into the bar – you’ll be fine....!

Do you really need the bag, you do not need to take your phone, I’ll have a mobile and the wallet and I’ll place your lipstick or small make-up accessories into my pockets?

John don’t be an idiot, I cannot just walk into a bar with my hands free, I need to hold onto something. This coat is new, so I need to wear it... Sometimes you speak great nonsense..!

Into the Maxi taxi and now picking up the rest of my party crew.

I notice the guys are looking quite dapper and free, with only their mobiles and wallets - the girls, well, what can I say, they all look gorgeous and dressed to the nines, but I am somewhat saddened as I cannot get past seeing all their handbags, heavy coats, gloves and scarves.

I subtly open a discussion about minimalism and how our society is somewhat obsessed with unneeded excesses – all agree with my sentiments but goes straight over their heads.

What am I in for tonight...?

Illustration of four women standing next to John, who is in a wheelchair, all women and john a dressed for a night out. John looks happy

Enter the party venue and scan for a corner to locate and settle, so as to enjoy for the rest of our night. Great, found our spot, now it is time for drinks... Woo whooo...!

It is a few drinks down and I am feeling free and relaxed. The music is pumping, and smiles are on all our faces.

Our inhibitions are beginning to relax, and we are liberating ourselves from our everyday stresses. The night is cruising along. I follow through with some ‘shotties’ as I know MY time is quickly running out.

The girls have begun to shuffle their feet and move their hips.

I can feel this vibe looming, it is going to happen, it is going to happen very soon.

Sculling a few more drinks as quickly as I can, I know it’s going to happen.

The girls huddle and approach me with smiles and giggles, and immediate l know....!!

I know what’s happening. It is happening.. F#ck, F#CK, F#CKKKKK!!!!

It’s happened.

MY time has expired.

I have no control - I only ask that my left hand remains free.

Illustration of four women standing next to John, who is in a wheelchair, all women and john a dressed for a night out. John is holding all the women's bags and jacket a looks unhappy

Written by John Theodoropoulos @johns_disadventures

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John Mckenna
John Mckenna
05 Mar 2023

The Dis-Adventures of John

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